Recently I learned a lesson about dealing with people who stress me out.
Thinking that someone is a jerk, a person that said something hurtful or that acted in an uncaring way is an easy thing to do.
We all do it from time to time.
I have seen two very extreme and opposite ways to handle a socially uncomfortable situation.
We feel hurt as a reaction on someone’s behavior. Now we
1.) tell ourselves that we would NEVER EVER be like this.
Problem here: we all share the same humanity, there are times when we fail, too.
That we would never ever in a million years be like this other person probably is a lie, because shit happens and even if we choose to not be that kind of a person, the day may come where things go drastically wrong.
Lying to ourselves is never a good thing.
We feel hurt as a reaction on someone’s behavior. Now we
2.) start to blame ourselves for everything that happened.
We feel bad, because we overthink the situation. We analyze what we ourselves did wrong. We can’t stop thinking that we should have said or done something different, we should have been more thoughtful, empathic, loving, understanding.
In my case, on top of that I tend to think that what I did was embarrassing – and I can beat myself up over things that happened way back when.
Of course this too is not the best way of dealing with people who cause stress.
What I found to be helpful is to have the approach of an apprentice.
This human interconnectedness is complex and weird. To look at it with awe and wonder and with the willingness to be taught makes difficult situations more bearable.
It puts them a bit farther away, makes them more distant.
Problems seem to swallow us, they get way too close to us, sometimes they feel like they absorb our being.
When we look at people or social knodes that feel stressful we can stand strong by reminding us:
This is not easy, but I give my very best to figure this out, to learn something from it and to get an idea, what this can teach me.
And I found out, everyone who likes to be in the apprentice role is a great teacher as well.
Much love,
Anselma
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